it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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