Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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