My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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