so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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