I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
