I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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