Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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