Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
