Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
