I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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