i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
