The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
