I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
