I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
