my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
