Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
