I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
