I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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