Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
