I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
