bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
