I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
