God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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