I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I supernannyed him into submission
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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