Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
