I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You are a genius and a whore.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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