never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
