Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
