Christians are straight up FREAKS
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize