Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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