i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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