is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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