I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
