John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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