She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
