Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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