don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
