that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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