He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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