i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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