last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
