I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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