I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
