I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
