The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
