Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
