you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
