There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize