At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize