so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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