I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
