So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
