Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I need to stop coming to work sober
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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