I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
