I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
