He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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