in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
