i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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