I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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