haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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