I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
