can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
