We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
