Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Randomize
