Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
